Today is probably the worst I’ve felt in a while, I just want to stay in bed and sleep. I’m doing my best; I’ve still been good at taking care of myself and getting done what I need to get done, but all that’s passive. What I need to do is push past the passive and actively try to make things better.

I just wish I knew what to do to make these moods go away. It feels so unfair.

My original plan was to post daily, but I’ve been *really* busy these past few days trying to get caught up on all my tasks both at work and at home, that I haven’t really had time to post. I’m also making a dedicated effort to spend time with friends, so for some of you who haven’t seen me in months, I’m gonna try to see you soon

Other than that, things are good. I’m trying, very diligently, not to let melancholy take over, and at times I feel like it almost wins. Those times, I try to find something, anything to do, so that at least I’m playing a game, or putting something away, which is much better than sitting around moping.

I’ve got a long ways to go if I’m going to reclaim my life, and as of yet I’m not exactly sure what I need to do in order to do it, but I’m just going forward and hoping that those things will come to me in time.

A quote I wrote (by modifying others that I’ve heard), that I need to live by.

This may be tl;dr, but I’ve decided I need to start writing about why I haven’t been writing. I know this is going to be personal, and I’m making it public, but I’ve had a very, very long battle with bipolar depression. It seems that every time I get going, and start doing what I need to, it’s almost as if I sabotage myself, and give up whenever it starts to require more than a passive attempt. I’ve tried medication, therapy, counseling… I’ve been doing it wrong. Looking and looking for something that will change how I feel so that I don’t have to fight to get out of bed, fight to shower, to take care of myself, to face each and every day, and of course, I was mistaken.

I cannot sabotage myself anymore, and I cannot allow myself to fail myself anymore. I have to face each day and be strong; I have to fight every moment of every breath I take, and once I realize that I’m winning, it will get easier.

So, I’ve decided to re-purpose this blog to talk about what I’m going through, and I ask that those of you who may have supported me before, please continue to do so. I want to beat this; I want to be proud of myself, I want to be strong again, and I want to get my life back in my own control.

Today is my Day 1. The beginning of my full-on, no longer passive, ACTIVE battle against my depression.

I’m also trying to avoid red meat… which is going a lot better than I thought it would.

And I know I’m just doing little piddly things now, and it’s not really gonna matter too much until I hit the gym, but I’ve got to start somewhere. I’m still trying to figure out the gym, but I should really just find one nearby my house, wake my ass up earlier, get in there in the morning and do some cardio.

Or, buy one of those electric shock things and wear it all day. That’s safe, right? LOL

Anyone have any ideas, and/or is familiar with any of these API’s?

I gained a bit of weight (about 6 lbs) over the course of these 2 months, but I joined a weight loss competition here at work, so I’m gonna be trying to burn it off.

Now, I just have to figure out *HOW*, as I don’t live in an apartment anymore with an easily accessible gym. Any ideas?

I actually managed to get up this morning at 6am, too. It helped that the wife practically booted me from bed, but, you know. Went to the gym, did my morning cardio with her there which was really nice, said our goodbyes as she went to work, and then I saw the scale and thought to myself “seriously, if I still haven’t lost a single pound, something’s going wrong” and decided to give it another shot. Sure enough, TWELVE POUNDS have gone away! I danced into my clothes and all on the way to work.

After seeing that number, I looked at myself again, and realized that I am actually getting… well, leaner. My arms look more muscular and not filled with fat, my sides have shrunk a bit, my belly has recessed, my legs are toning… it’s hard to notice but, I can see it now, just a little.

Totally motivated now to keep going.

I think I’m going to by my co-worker’s old bike, once I move into a house. A nice morning bike ride would probably be a perfect way to burn some calories without an on-site gym. That, and it’ll let me explore the neighborhood, and see what’s around there.

Weee, progress!